I'm okay
by Nerissi
Summary: Erica Hahn, oneshot. After leaving Seatle Grace, Erica has built a new life for herself. Avoiding everything that got her in trouble before and keeping up appearances. But how long can that really last?


_**A/N: **_ I don't own anything but my own imagination.  
>Erica Hahn is lying; she is <em>not <em>okay… 

**2-1-'16: Update**: Though I may have gone back to fix the layout and some minor grammar mistakes, this is still a _very_ old story so if you're used to my more recent writings… Please don't be disappointed, hehe ;)

XXX

**I'm okay**

XXX

"Doctor Hahn, wait up!" 

I turn around and wait for the other woman to catch up with me. 

She hasn't even passed the nurses' station yet which gives me time to observe her. Her long brown hair is tied up in a perfect ponytail, bangs brushed to one side. Her make-up is quite heavy as are her earrings, I suppose. Combined with her high heels on the tiled floor it's quite the symphony. 

"Erica, why'd you take off so quick?" 

I frown at her mention of my first name. I don't really like it when people I barely know assume we're on a first-name base just because we work together, "I've had a long day doctor Sable. I just want to go home, take a bath and get a good night's sleep." 

I must admit I'm rather surprised to see her smile drop. She couldn't actually have thought that after the day I've had I'd go and have drink or something? Then I realize she did... 

"Oh... Okay... I was just thinking maybe you wanna go grab a drink at 'The Corner'?" 

'The Corner' is a bar very similar to 'Joe's'; mostly frequented by hospital staff. The bar is located a little to the right of the hospitals main entrance, across the street. It is – _obviously_ – a corner building. 

I let out a deep sigh, "Doctor Sable, today I've had four back-to-back surgeries. One with severe complications and I lost two patients today. My shift ended over five hours ago so all I really want to do right now is just go home. I do _not_ want to go grab a drink, I do not want anymore gossip and I _certainly_ don't want to make any more friends!" 

I hadn't noticed I was raising my voice until the brunette whispers, "You didn't have to yell..." There's more than a little accusation in her voice. And hurt. Quite some hurt. 

"I'm sorry. It's just – it's been a long day." 

"Apparently," And with that she walks of. The bounce is out of her step, her shoulders are bent. I feel sorry for hurting her. But what I said is true. Drinks, gossip, friendship; that's what got me into this mess in the first place. 

Suddenly I wish I could go see doctor Wyatt. I'm not okay. I can keep telling everyone I am, I can keep lying to myself. But I'm not okay. 

Even though I'd never admit it to her face doctor Wyatt has helped me a lot. She helped me see perspective. Of course she was also the one who urged me to act on my feelings for Callie... But I guess I would've done that eventually anyway. 

And let's face it, it wasn't all bad. Yes, there were horrible experiences but I also learned a great deal about myself. About my sexuality. 

Realizing I'm gay changed my whole life. Everything suddenly made sense. Even though I never before thought it didn't... 

Callie made me realize who I am. Of course, neither my old nor my new me had ever experienced such heartbreak before. She ran. Yes, if I'd been thinking straight I might've realized she would. But I never would've guessed she'd go and sleep with Sloan minutes after the realization had dawned on me.  
>She was my friend! She should've at least- oh I don't know! But she shouldn't have slept with Sloan... <p>

I look up. My treacherous feet have brought me straight to the third floor. Psych ward. Right in front of me is the door to Doctor Greene's office. First day I arrived here he offered me his services. Most of his patients work here, and he's supposed to be really good.

The door is slightly ajar. Inside I can hear the sound of a pencil scratching on paper. I lift my hand to knock but instead push the door open further. 

It squeaks a little, causing the shrink to look up. Something in my face must've given me away because he immediately puts down his pencil and comes toward me. A gentle hand pulls me inside. The door closes behind me. 

Doctor Greene guides me to the sofa and motions for me to sit down. Taking the seat across for himself, "Doctor Hahn? Erica? What's wrong?" 

The look in his eyes is genuinely worried. I blink once. And again. But I can't stop the tears from running down my cheeks anymore. So I bury my face in my hands, "She slept with Sloan. The biggest man-whore that's ever lived and she chooses him! She was my friend! She should've stayed. But no. She just left me there. To be with Sloan! Or McSteamy. Or man-whore. Or adulterer – or whatever you wanna call him! Why didn't she understand? She should've understood. I would've understood! I would've stayed! I _love_ her..." 

My voice breaks. Tears are running freely now. I swallow hard. Breaking down isn't going to do me any good. But... I just can't stop crying, "I loved her. And I would've stayed. But she broke me..." 

I hadn't even realized I spoke those words aloud until doctor Greene replies to them, "She broke you. By going to this Sloan? Erica I can only imagine how hard that must've been for you. But take a moment... Don't you think hearing you say you love her may have been a bit hard to take for her as well? You say she was your friend. Friends usually don't expect you to fall in love with them.

She may have just wanted someone to talk to."

"No. She didn't talk to him. She _slept_ with him! Minutes after leaving my bed she slept with _him_. I was laying there. Realizing. Explaining. I could see the leaves, why couldn't she? And then, she goes and defends Stevens? The girl cut her boyfriends LVAD-wire to get him a heart! _My_ heart! My patient was dying! I _needed_ that heart!" I'm yelling again. I know. But I can't help it, can't stop. For some reason I can't stop yelling. I should probably be worried. I don't do out-of-control. I simply don't. But I don't feel worried. 

I feel relieved... 

"And Callie- Callie- She- Callie she goes and defends the woman that broke her marriage! The woman her husband cheated with! Callie _hates_ Stevens! Why would she defend her? I thought we were friends. And I was right! Stevens could've lost her license! _Should've _lost her license! She was just an intern! Callie was supposed to hate _her_, not me. _Never_ me..." My eyes are burning. All of my tears have been shed. I don't feel relieved anymore. I don't even feel sad. I'm numb. Incapable of feeling anything. 

"Erica, why would you think she hates you? Obviously mistakes have been made. And you were probably right but don't you think people are entitled to their own opinions? She may have disagreed with you, but that doesn't necessarily mean she hates you..." 

I look up at doctor Greene. He must be around my own age. Light brown hair, cut short, a touch of grey shimmering through. His pale blue eyes express worry. Any other time I would probably try to make him believe I was alright. But I can't seem to find the energy to do so, "She slept with Sloan. The one person she knew I never wanted to see her with. Not again... And she defended the one person in the entire hospital she hated. Stevens cheated with her husband. She really liked O'Malley. I think... Either way she hated Stevens. But she hates me more..." 

"Why?" 

"I pushed her in a corner. First with the teasing – the threesome thing. And then I kissed her. In the elevator I kissed her. She didn't lean back though... She leaned in... But I broke it off before the doors opened... Then outside, I was looking for my keys... And she just came up to me. I couldn't find my keys but- but I forgot because – well, she kissed me. And then we had sex... Oh _God_, we had sex... And I knew – I just realized... I'm gay. Hadn't quite gotten to the 'I love you'-part but I didn't get a chance to. She left…" Tears are starting to fall down my cheeks again, "She left..." 

"How did you feel? When she left?" 

"I couldn't believe it... I kept staring at the door, thinking she'd come back. But she didn't. She was with Sloan." 

"Let's not talk about that right now, Erica. Just what you felt at the time." 

"Confusion... Hurt... Fear... Pride... Joy – you name it, I felt it."

"Anger?" 

I shake my head. No, anger had been one of the few emotions I didn't experience laying alone in my bed. Anger hadn't come into the picture until I realized Callie had run to Sloan. 

"You were angry when you thought Callie had betrayed you? But I think you can see why she would do that. Why she slept with Sloan?" 

"I knew there was a sexual relationship, not much more. When I realized I'm gay... I think she expected me to want to hear her say the same thing… Later she went all whole-woods-girl on me," I catch his confused look, "Bisexual. I don't have any reason to be mad at her, do I?" 

"You tell me." 

I feel a small smile forming on my lips. Suddenly I notice how tired doctor Greene looks. It must be well past midnight already. 

"I don't. You're right. Thank you. And sorry for keeping you so long." 

"It's alright. You can always talk to me, Erica. Though I would prefer a standing appointment rather than you crashing in out of nowhere. How does Tuesday sound? Right after lunch?" 

I agree to that, only realizing tomorrow is Tuesday when I exit the hospital. But that's okay. I guess I could use a good talk again tomorrow. After this one has sunken in. I take a deep breath. Clear air fills my lungs much like the clear thoughts that now occupy my head. It's been a while since I've felt like this. Peaceful. 

I take a moment to figure out what's changed and then realize: I'm no longer angry with Callie.

**The End**


End file.
